es wird enden

We start a new chapter and obviously we are ending one too. 

It’s too late and all of us need to say goodbye sometimes

But I’m afraid. 

I can’t just say goodbye, even if I know that it’s followed by a ‚Hello‘.

I don’t need more ‚Hellos‘ anymore. I am sick of telling my name and telling who I am. 

I’m just one of those girls. Just girls. Just girls who want to explore and show that there is no right to treat them like old white men do. 

I know, I am not detailed by explanation. But we all know that there is something. There, when you look outside and see the cars. There, when you go to work nodding to everyones assents. There, when you lay down, just chill and realize what the hell are you doing in your trashy life. 

And me? I always wanted to show that I am different, but I’m not. I’m usual. I’m normal. And I do care. I care about my friends and not my family because all of them might not understand who I am as a result by just telling my name. 

I considered writing a testament but what should I write and who can I trust. Where is the trust in all those good people around us. Neither my groundskeeper. 

I’m tired. I am so fucking tired and my head is burning down. All my nerves and no regret to smoke everyday because it’s over.

It’s over and we start a new chapter. 

Finally my thoughts getting heavy and my bed wants to run away from me. At least I don’t have a place to rest anymore. I’m starving inside and nobody can see that we all are starving from too much consuming. Too much pressure. Too much noises. Too much duties. 

Today I learned that we looking for real luck only in the first half of life. Whats about the second half? Well, when it’s nearly falling apart we are definitely afraid of great misfortune. Why’s that? Can’t tell but it makes me feel even more useless and senseless. Nowadays, I am afraid of pretty much and I can’t imagine to become worse. 

Sometimes I hope for a new lullaby. Or a letter with all hidden solutions. I hope for a red button to reset even if I don’t exactly know what. Maybe all the failures, all decisions and my whole life. 

Don’t we live in a movie where ash can burn?

You’re just hanging around, don’t tell me lies. And if we playing a role, what are lies anymore? Illusions, which make us believe we could deal with life and handle everything. Illusions, which create realness in a world of phantasies. 

But it will be over. 

I’m hungry and even I want to eat all food on fucking earth, I decided to choose the plants because they have no pain and I don’t want to hurt someone or something just not to be hungry anymore. My desire need to shut up, that’s also my decision and it makes me who I am. 

Sometimes I’m asking myself what others think of me when we cross our paths. But deep inside myself I know, that they’re thinking nothing. Nothing. Just nothing. 

But it will be over. 

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